I rewatched the five episodes I watched more than a decade ago while reposting them and I thought of looking up their ages out of curiosity. No offense meant at all, but I thought they were in their late 20s/early 30s in the first season? Apparently they’re not? I was very shocked! Anyways, here I am, more than a decade later, finally watching the sixth episode of the first season. I’ve really made something out of my life.
Spooning, forking, and just a light dusting of homophobia
Where we left off: The matriarchy triumphs over the Geordie boys, Sophie’s diplomatic aspirations, and the return of Holly, Heidi, and Audrina
This episode: Geordie Shore’s last weekend, the fall of the white knight, and Charlotte’s persistent delusions
Okay, before anything else, I was so shocked to find out that Holly was just 19 during this season? With her constant drunken blackouts and possibly being sexually assaulted by Gaz in the first episode? Why did no one from the production intervene?
ANYWAYS.
Oh god, here we go, a new-to-me episode. It’s the morning after Holly’s white knight boyfriend comes to the club to try and fit in with the gang. He doesn’t fit in, but Gary’s parsnip sure does slot in nicely into Charlotte’s cabbage patch because the first thing they do once they wake up is spoon and as the ancient proverb tells us, spooning always leads to forking. Gary talks about withdrawals and stuff but I don’t think he’s talking about birth control methods.
Another couple who spent the night together is Vicky and Jay, and Vicky swears that they’re just friends. Sure, Jan. To be fair to Vicky though, she is the first one to admit that her and Jay’s dynamic is not at all healthy.
Not having as enjoyable a morning is Greg, who is going to be working with Holly today and I only know this because James explained it in his confessional/talking head. It’s been more than a decade and I still cannot understand what the fuck Greg is saying.
The job is to just hand out flyers for a furniture store and Greg is already pissing me off as he desrcibes Holly as “looking like a drag queen” and “scaring people off”. Yes, I know this is “period appropriate” behavior for the 2010s but it’s my blog so I’ll judge him. With that attitude, no wonder they were only able to give out three flyers in three hours.
Further complicating their job is the arrival of Holly’s boyfriend, who really does look a but like Peter Pettigrew if I’m being honest. And yes I do wish that I could think of something than a character made by that transphobe but it’s the first thing that came to mind! He insists on being with Holly despite Holly telling him he doesn’t fancy him and my god. Come over here to my place because I need a doormat. Forunately for him, he finally comes to his senses and ends his relationship with Holly.
Holly and Greg come back to the house after what I can only assume is a failed day at work and Holly shares with the rest of the girls that she’s now single. And Charlotte, ever the empath, says in her talking head that while this may be a big deal for Holly, nobody else in the house gives a shit. These are the descendants of the people that colonized almost the entire known world so the lack of empathy tracks!
Anna, ~the Boss, calls later on in the day? The next day? Time is a nebulous concept in the world of Geordie Shore. I just found out in the previous episode when I watched it more than a decade ago that only two weeks have passed inside the house! ANYWAYS, Anna wants James and one other of the guys to work the ~diamond VIP area~ of Boulevard, which James describes as a “proper gay bar”. The Geordie doth protest too much. Also, Boulevard is still around, where are you?
We then get another talking head of Greg and you might as well have put me in front of a television airing static because that’s what he sounds like to me. I understand “Sunderland”, “dogs”, and that’s about it. I am assuming he said something derogatory somewhere in there as well.
Sophie’s talking head is much more easy to understand and it’s from her that I find out that this is apparently nearing the end of filming. I guess they weren’t expecting it to be a smash hit for them if they only filmed for six episodes, or maybe it’s just the normal amount of episodes that British television stations order. Sophie says that they’ve all become a family to each other but I think Holly, Heidi, and Audrina will disagree.
I then find out that the dogs Greg was talking about was literal dog racing, which Sophie built up to be some fancy thing to the rest of the group but turns out it’s nothing special and they end up looking like “absolute fucking tits”, as per Charlotte. I also find it hilarious that the outfits they have on is what they consider fancy.
Charlotte takes their time at the dogs as an opportunity to tell Gary that she likes him and Gary immediately tells her that sure, he’d like to fuck her still, but there isn’t going to be a relationship. As he told her in episode three, she’ll always just be a banker. I think it’s time to close the gates to the cabbage patch, Charlotte. Charlotte actually starts tearing up in her talking head but baby. Baby. You’re the one who keeps putting yourself in this situation. Gary’s an asshole, but he’s at least upfront about it. You knew what he was.
Back at Boulevard, James and Jay are doing shirtless servitude but it’s okay! They’re serving women and not the filthy homosexuals in the bar. Anna also looks like she’s a human trafficker because she just casually tells the guys to take the girls home for a quick snog. The boys take them to the dogs to meet with the rest of the gang and I bet you money that the girls would have enjoyed their time at the Boulevard more than at the dogs. Because at least the homosexuals at the Boulevard won’t be calling you dogs behind your back like Vicky does. Those homos will tell it to your face.
After an awkward time eating what I can only assume is horrible English food, the gang heads down to the ~disco~ and try to do what passes for dancing. Their skins may be tanned but they are still very, very white.
The next day they’re off to another party — where else — and there are so many white people at the location they go to I started fearing for my life. We’ve had our tiny sprinkling of homophobia now, are we going to get some racism as a chaser? What I do know is that the place they’re in is “wall to wall fanny”, as Greg describes clearly, for once.
While there, Vicky and Jay decide to kinda be monogamous with each other but Vicky is easily triggered by Jay even being in the vicinity of a woman that isn’t part of the gang and my god. You’ve only been shacked together for a month, how intense can your feelings be? But again, I can’t help but give credit to Vicky for at least being aware of how stupid the situation is. Now if she just did something about it, no?
Vicky tries to make Jay work for her pussy for another month before she lets him in it but since these are men, Jay and James are not having it. James is being particularly horrible and asks why even put in an effort when the girl isn’t going to bang you? Why do I feel like James is probably an Andrew Tate supporter now?
Charlotte, elsewhere in this place crowded with white people, continues to delude herself into thinking that despite Gary being very upfront about not wanting to be in a relationship, he’s secretly into her. She waits to see if he’s going to take a girl home to have sex with and of course, he does. It’s so hard to root for you Charlotte when you don’t learn from this.
The argument between Vicky and Jay continues back home, where Charlotte describes their relationship as a Rubik’s cube and I can feel the migraine right in between my eyes. She thinks Rubik’s cubes can’t be solved but they’ve been solved multiple times at faster and faster speeds and I think I have diarrhea now. It is also hilarious how MTV UK is scoring this fight between Vicky and Jay like it’s a Pride and Prejudice adaptation because COME ON.
The gang then goes to another party and my old bones are tired. I’m not even part of this party but my head is already pounding from all the white people dancing and the white people eating sandwiches on the sidewalk. Yes, white people eating sandwiches on the sidewalk.
After that party, they head home and an argument ensues because Holly wants to smoke while talking with the gang and Greg wants her to do it somewhere else because none of the other people in the house smoke. And I never thought I’d say this but I am with Greg on this one! I have a lot of friends who smoke and they are so polite and would never position themselves where they would blow smoke into someone’s face, even unintentionally, so I have no sympathy for Holly in this situation. She throws a tantrum and packs her bags again to leave the house and my god these people! Just because you were told to smoke somewhere else! Before she leaves, Jay says something cutting to her — I have a headache so I don’t care enough to look up what he means — and once Holly’s gone it’s Vicky and Jay’s turn to fight because Vicky doesn’t approve of Jay kicking Holly when she’s down.
It starts out with words but then Vicky spits at him which then makes Jay throw liquor at her and Gary and Greg have to push Jay away from Vicky before punches are thrown. Of course, this should mean the end of the Vicky and Jay romance but if there’s anything Charlotte has shown throughout the past five episodes, they’ll probably go back to their bad habits soon enough. The stage is already set the next day when they promise to be at least pals to one another. The past few episodes have shown that the two of you cannot be just pals.
On their last night at the house, the gang goes to yet another party and Charlotte gets herself drunk to the point of memory loss, once again. I sure hope that MTV UK at least looked out for these ladies in some way during the multiple occasions they’ve drank to the point of blackouts. That’s a dangerous situation for them to be in, no jokes, full stop.
Sophie takes Charlotte home because she’s drunk, while the rest of the gang comes back much later, with partners tagging along with them. Of course, everybody’s going to have sex and we even get to see James’ ass for a bit.
Gary also has sex with the girl he went home with, but he does it in the room he shares with Charlotte, despite their agreement that neither one of them is going to have sex with another person in their shared room. Of course, Charlotte has a breakdown and swears she will never partake of Gary’s parsnip again but Wikipedia tells us that she did not wean herself off of his parsnip, at least not in the first season.
It’s finally their last day at the house and all of them are being so ridiculous about how this was supposedly the most life-changing experience of their lives when none of you haven’t done anything different from your usual nights out? Nobody even got punched in the face like Snooki?
Ron Does Stuff 
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