Ron Does Stuff

I was able to watch Emerald Fennell’s adaptation of Wuthering Heights thanks to Tara Frejas, who got me and two other friends tickets to an advanced screening. Now will I thank her after the movie? Let’s find out!

In case there are still people unaware about what Wuthering Heights is about, it tells the story of Catherine Earnshaw and Heathcliff, who both grow up together in a household that is dysfunctional, to say the least. As the years pass, their feelings start to become romantic in nature, but those feelings are thwarted by the arrival of the Lintons, who pique Catherine’s attention and draw her away from Heathcliff. Will their burgeoning feelings survive?

It’s been two days since I saw this movie, and since then I’ve calmed down a lot. My feelings weren’t as intense as they were right after the screening. And those feelings? Hate. Burning hate. Probably the same hate that Catherine and Heathcliff felt for one another at certain points in their lives.

I didn’t hate the movie immediately, to be fair. Did I think that the opening scene featuring a hanging was needed? Not really. But it was just a few minutes into the movie, and I was still giving it the benefit of the doubt. When it became apparent that Emerald Fennell had combined the characters of Mr. Earnshaw and Hindley, I began to worry. However, I was still distracted by Emerald Fennell’s admittedly striking shots and cinematography. But when the actors began to overact, and it became clear that the instructions they were getting from Emerald Fennell were to ham it up, I started sinking into my seat.

The cinematography that I initially thought was striking? Started to look heavy-handed and frankly insulting, as if she thought that the audience wouldn’t be able to get the vibe, so she had to spell it out for them. I lost count as to how many times she shot things a certain way so it would look like veiny dicks, so much so that I grew tired of it. Me! Tired of veiny dicks! Never thought it would happen, but Emerald Fennell did it! And if you didn’t get that this story is meant to be sexy, here’s Joseph and Zillah having sex in the stable with horse-riding paraphernalia! Because you’re dumb and need to be shown sex to understand that the movie is taking a sexy turn. Heathcliff fingerbanging Catherine? Sure, why not? Stick your whole fist in, even! And I normally don’t mind sex scenes in the movies I watch.

Emerald Fennell’s heavy hand isn’t just present with the sex scenes either. Oh, this character is an alcoholic? I couldn’t tell with the rotting teeth and the pile of bottles literally reaching up to the ceiling. Isabella Linton is such an over-the-top caricature and not even in a funny way, and would you look at that, Heathcliff has her tied up like a dog or a heroine in a hentai manga on so-and-so site. I felt like I was being assaulted.

It should also be apparent at this point that the movie only loosely follows the book it’s based on. And that this is actually three days after I watched the movie, and I kinda wish that I wrote this review immediately because I’m now trying to recall what I hated about it, because I can’t read the notes I wrote in the dark, and I’m old and can’t remember details anymore.

The only thing I remember now is the feeling after watching it, and that feeling was overwhelming hate. Overwhelming disappointment. You had the pull and the notoriety and the funding to say something about Wuthering Heights, and what you gave us is shitty fanfiction.

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